TV Recap - BTCC Brands Hatch

Notes from ITV3's BTCC coverage 01/04/07 (yes I know I'm late)

Yay! BTCC returns, as does a happy 90 minutes schlomped in front of the telly... wait... this isn't the BTCC! WHO STOLE IT!! Ah yes, ITV3. Even though ITV1 is showing a drama more suited to ITV3 it's to channel 10 I must turn. Edgy Dunlop music plays, "Drivers Know" apparently. And who should we be greeted with but Ted "Lenny" Kravitz! And Louise Goodman too! Shame no VBH this year, Goodman reminds me too much of people's mums. VBH was more like your friend's hot sister, or at a stretch a particularly yummy mummy. "Welcome back to British Touring Cars" says she, as we move into a fast-paced intro.

Brands Hatch - starting the 50th season says Louise. And I know the championship only started in 1958 but it *is* the 50th season, so why not make a big deal out of it. As before, "extensive" highlights of the first two (I'll believe that when I see it), live coverage of the third. Now over to Ted with the runners and riders (what a daft phrase - we're not horse racing or sprinting here people).

Team Halfords - "unchanged" driver lineup (Howell's been erased like Eaves was before him then?), but "hello" to the Civic Type R. Even though it's just a Type S. Or possibly a regular Civic with a Type R engine. No one actually seems to know.

SEAT - Plato is back for a "fourth year" (did some ITV researcher have a mental block for the years between 1997 and 2001? Forgetting that he was the bloody CHAMPION in 2001? Arggh) and Turner has a full season ahead. Well, as full as he'll get when you take into account the amount of times he'll be punted off or have the Leon break down on him.

VX Racing - pushing the fact they "failed" to win a trophy last year. Chilton's hair and Chilton return, along with FabGio. New Vectra, and it looks fast, if a bit beaten by the ugly-stick.

Team RAC - brand new Beemer, Turkington back alongside Tom "The OC" Onslow-Cole. He looks like a bass player from some random indie band.

Mat Jackson and Jacksons MSport have another new BMW, Andy Priaulx's old motor from 2006. I know it's a family run-team and money's tight, but "MSport"? Would it really cost you that much to have "Motorsport" or "Racing" or something? MSport sounds like a b-side on Hanson's MmmBop. On another note Mat has a really square-looking head. I mean really square.

Even more RWD machines: Martyn Bell returns in his allaboutp******y.com (I'm not giving a daft team name that publicity dammit) BMW E46, Jim Pocklington has a similar motor, and Rick Kerry's diesel 1-series for AFM.

Motorbase - 2 SEAT Toledos for Howell and Allison. Allison's voice could get realllly annoying. Team Air Cool (eurch) have another for ex-Xero boy Jones.

Eoin Murray returns for a "full season" - let's hope lack of spares won't hinder his progress this year, hmm. Also in red cars we have Marsh and Pinkney's A-Tech outfit, and Leason and Stockton's BTC Lexuses looking rather nice.

And now to the ageing older BTC-spec cars: Jordan's Integra, race winner from least year. Kartworld running Hughes and Leggate on bio-ethanol (surely the heaviest and lightest drivers on the grid?). Simon Blanckley (allegedly sold his house to pay for his racing) has another Integra. Erkut Kiziliriririrmak runs for Arkas Racing in an Astra Sport Hatch, fettled by Tech-Speed (therefore I dub this team "Turk-Speed". Would be cool if they got Rydell in a second car then I could call it "Turk-Swede"...) Finally John George returns in an Integra. "Nowhere to hide" in this car apparently says George. Quite right, it's fairly small; hide-and-seek would be over very quickly.

So, where's the challenges to Halfords? Over to Tim and Ben in the pitlane being interviewed by Ted, who's trying to emulate Jeremy Clarkson's dress sense yet somehow failing. Tim fancies Team RAC, Ben states some obviouslies ("SEAT need to complete the races"). The crowd have come to see Plato win apparently. Halfords up against it with lack of testing for their new car. Ben reckons Turkington for the title, Tim plumps for Gio.

Now a Matt Neal feature, just what we want. Give us more highlights dammit. I'm not paying attention to what he's saying as ITV are using a really annoying interview filing style chopping angles, cutting to B/W and focusing too much on Matt's lips. Matt would put his money on Plato for the title, but reckons Darren could "upset" him (presumably not emotionally). We learn the shocking revelation that Neal and Plato DO NOT exchange Christmas cards. Maybe birthdays then?

"The uncertainties stops here" quoth the Kravitz, "it's all about the racing" as we cut to a montage of what looks like BTCC HAVOC 2006.

First race ready to go.. "Let's take a look at the grid" says Ben. According to him Blanckley's only "mortgaged" his house to go racing, not sold it. One day I'll find out the truth. No mention of the absence of Murray as they run through the grid. Poor guy, it's like he never existed. Ben and Tim speculate Turkington will try "very hard" to win this race. That's good to know...

Cars all lined up ready to go, "We're all set for the first race of the Dunlop MSA British Touring Car Championship" says Ben as the lights go out! Turkington, despite the massive RWD advantage fluffs the start and Plato roars round the outside to lead. Jackson however can master RWD and swoops into 3rd. First biff of the season is on Gio who saves a slide down Paddock Hill, Hughes reverses into the gravel at Druids and fellow MG racerette Leggate is parked up the wrong way against the pit wall, whoops! Turkut was the culprit for that little incident, compounded by a "tank-slapper" from side-to-side says Tim. I thought a tank-slapper was only applicable in motorbike racing.... I blame James Allen for perpetuating that particular phrase. Checking the start replays, Tim thinking it was Plato who hit Giovanardi at Paddock, despite the fact a) Plato had already taken the lead. Remember? You commentated on it LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO and b) Turner it's a clear #12 on the side of that SEAT.

*swoosh* Teleport to lap 5. Not much going on, but a "kerfuffle" going on further back according to Tim. He truly has studied at the school of James Allen Motorsport Commentary. On board with Plato, and this season we have really strange looking floating heads appearing telling viewers who we're on board with. Kinda freaky. I'll have weird dreams about headless BTCC drivers from now on. "Don't be surprised to see the BMWs come back maybe a little bit later". Way to hedge your bets there Tim! Chilton tried a powerslide round Graham Hill bend but he loses out somewhat. Jackson and The OC battle. It's "very difficult to stop these cars when you're braking" muses Tim. AAAAARRGH!

Lap 15 - yellow flag somewhere but we don't find out why. Suddenly jumping to lap 21. Mat Jackson smoking oil or something, I sure hope he doesn't get black/orange flagged. Tim Harvey with his expert knowledge reckons "something has fractured a pipe or something". Thanks for that. Jump - lap 27. Plato has it pretty much bagged and tagged. Jackson still ignoring those black/orange flags, hope he doesn't get penalised for that. Jase wins it, Turk 2nd, Jackson 3rd. Good show from Jones too.

Ad break - "Round One Reaction Next" says the caption. The Kravitz gives us the bad news that Jackson has been excluded from round 1, makes it sound like Old Auntie Thelma has died or something. The Kravitz talks to Jackson and his REALLY SQUARE head. Nice camera placement putting that WHALE logo right by his SQUARE HEAD. Jackson is like a kid who didn't hand in his homework - "didn't see the flag", "radio contact is really bad on this car", pthh. I would give him detention if it weren't for the fears of what would happen should he headbutt me. Do drivers not both seeing flags anymore? Bet the long-suffering hard-working marshalls will be pleased with that.

Louise and Plato chat about how good he is etc. "We don't know where we are" says Plato. More interview faff, cutting into valuable highlights time, grr. "We've got some good points" - as opposed to the EVIL points TOCA sometime give out? Matt Neal goes on about how amazing his team are, "brand-new sheet of paper" etc. His hair's also got curlier during the off season I swear.

The Kravitz says we'll be treated to action from the BTCC's 50 years on TV during this season! Nice touch, although MORE HIGHLIGHTS are always appreaciated. Why not make it a 2 hour show on ITV3? Show that episode of Morse on Monday why not.

We're back in time to 1958. That Quality Street ad music plays, and the first BTCC round takes place. 3.5l Jags and Morris Minors compete, but Sears' Austin takes the win. And... that's it. Less than a minute of archive footage... still nice to see the series acknowledging where its come from.

Race 2 grid... no driver pictures or car icons for these graphics. Curious. Kerry now has a 130d, I thought it was the 120d? Answers on a postcard. "We're all set for the lights to come on".... fairly even start, as they negotiate the dry-dust laid down for the oil Leason's Lexus deposited on the warm-up lap. Which the commentators didn't tell us. What about all those Nick Leason fans desperate to know how he's doing? Did anyone think of them? The fans are "basking" in a "glorious afternoon" according to Ben but I can tell you it was bloody cold depsite the sun. Alright for you in your snazzy commentary box.

Lap 4 - "that would have been an endurance claim on the bank man" says Tim., as four cars nearly run into each other. I feel like submitting an 'endurance' claim to ITV after sitting through Harvey's 'commentary'. Floating head of Giovanardi looks a bit evil. Shedden takes a massive shortcut across the grass, but the Civic isn't a great off-roader so he loses out. Lap 9 - The OC whacks Neal, Jordan's off, "it's all gone crazy" shrieks Ben. Lap 11 - Turner hits The OC but he crawls along Paddock Hill gravel at about 10mph and makes it out. He must be mad, but he looks like an emo kid so guess he'll just go back to his bedroom and write depressing songs about his life until it's out of his system.

Lap 24 - Plato wins again, Turk 2nd again, and Chilton takes 3rd. Jones 6th, Allison 9th and Stockton 10th, good peddling from those guys. Jackson 8th from the back as well. Adverts...

We're back... The Kravitz tells us "We've seen some absolute lunatic driving from the field which is to be encouraged." What? I mean, what? We all like entertaining racing, but driving like morons is going to get someone hurt. Bad Kravitz, bad. Turkington delighted to be on the podium again, thinks he had a quicker car but "couldn't get onto the racing line" apparently. Riiiight. Scott Dennis is sporting new glasses and uses the new BTCC-grid-o-spin-o-meter to choose the reverse grid for round 3.... and it's P7, Gio, on pole. Grid graphics for round 3, and they've got the driver photos and car icons back. Pocklington kinda looks like Jim Rosenthal.

On the grid - Plato reckons he can have a good race. Mat Jackson has 2 Maxim grid girls, lucky guy. Louise runs, runs!, up the grid to speak breathlessly to Neal. She prattles on with Matt for a bit then onto poleman Giovanardi. Incomprehensible interview with Fabrizio through his helmet as we cut to ads again.

Back! "It's... it's time for the 3rd race" excited Louise. Over to Ben and Tim - can VX take the Vectras first win? Adam Jones on the front row as well, but Neal will pose a threat from 3rd. Neal has new highlights in his hair according to Tim - I just thought it was nice curls - but he's still an old professional. Lights go out, and Neal blasts into the lead as Jones slots into 2nd. "We really are gonna have a race" blurts Tim as Gio drops to 4th. George reversing in a cloud of smoke at Surtees, but we don't want to see that says Tim! Lap 2 - safety car is out, for George, but he's back going again, so it comes straight back in again. Neal breaks away from Jones and the 1 safety car lap means the field is even more strung out than before. Hm,those red flashes down the front of the Team Air Cool car makes it look like it's wearing braces.

Lap 5 - Tim gets Turner and Plato confused yet again. Nice to see Chris Hodgetts get a shout out from Ben as Jackson's driver coach. Ben mentions Adam Jones used to race Alonso in karts many moons ago. Not to be outdone Tim reveals he shared a Porsche with Jones just last year. Presumably in a race of sorts, I wouldn't wish it on anyone to share anything with Harvey.

Lap 8 - Giovanardi is "looking more threatening now" - surely not moreso than his floating onboard head thing? That's still scary. Lap 10 - Turkington is embedded in the gravel, Turner is chief suspect. Safety car has been scrambled, so Scott Stringfellow gets his chance to shine once more and the race can clam down, not to mention Tim and Ben's commentary. This seems like a good time to take an ad break...

...and we're back. And WE'VE MISSED THE RESTART, DAMN YOU ITV!! Gio gets past Jones to boot. Plato's floating-head thingy is not too bad, as the field strings out a bit. Tim reckons Plato is "maybe looking at some action in front of him" in an attempt to make the action sound more exciting than it looks. He then extols to Ben the "judicious use of the tap" in touring car racing as Gio attempts to lightly nerf Neal off to get the lead. Lap 20 - Turkut and George have had a tangle, and guess whose fault it was! Jones runs wide and loses a bunchful of places and slips to 6th. Lap 22 - not a particularly great race so far, not even that many stupid comments from Tim! Give us some entertainment perlease!

Lap 25 - Kerry gets his first mention in the race as he gets lapped! Sympathy for Rick as it's his first race and the team have only just built it etc. Yet Halfords are getting praised as their car has only just been finished.. ah well. Lap 26 - Jackson pushing Gio for 2nd on the last lap... but then we cut to a random shot of George, Turkut and Pocklington going into Druids. Right. Anyhoo, Neal takes the win, Gio holds onto 2nd with Jackson just 3rd. Jones gets 6th in the end. Ben congratulates "all the boys" at Halfords (no ladies working at the team? Don't the grid girls even get a pat on the, er, back?)

Tim and Ben award Jackson "Driver of the Day" as we see a traffic jam of the cars heading into the pits. Many more interviews with the top finishers follow, wasting more time that we could have had as earlier race highlights. Grrrr. Driver's standings flash up on the screen and the Kravitz attempts to make some analysis of it ("Neal 2nd? That's not bad actually!") Having failed at that the Kravitz plugs ITV's other, obviously less important, sporting coverage coming up. He promises to see us on April 22nd at Rockingham (can't wait Ted!) and bids farewell, just as it looks like the VXR mechanics are about to reverse a Vectra into him. Cut (nooo! Will the Kravitz survive?) to highlights with music by Muse, Knights of Cydonia (and I didn't even have to look that tune up!)